I'm Not O-Fucking-Kay.

I’m like a line without a book.

If you find someone who’s gone looking for himself, before he can stumble on to anything, he won’t ever be able to come home.

So anyway, no ISAT. Which, effectively means I have to keep doing what I’m doing. Thank you.

I’m going to stop airing my views and just keep myself to me from now onwards.

I am going to go on a road trip the minute I manage to save up some money.

And as always I shall run away.

Vienna, I hate you for what you turned out to be and for how you used me. I know you will probably never read this, but I wish that I could say this to your face. I hate it that you can affect me so much.

I wish, I could turn back time. But, I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then. (Lewis Carroll)

And, yet as Anne of Green Gables said, "Marilla, isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?"

Trust me. I Haven't Been Wrong Yet.

“Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you…”
[Jet- Look What You've Done]

We went to the city (again *sigh*) today. Mimic’s laptop pretty much sucks (she’s going to kill me for this, but oh well, *shrug*). I had fun.

There are people I don’t like here, people I can barely stand, people I tolerate and a handful I like.

I think I’m essentially an owl. I sleep in the mornings (well, I say that, seeing as I got screamed at, in two consecutive classes for snoring :P). But, the class timings, coupled with the hectic schedule of law school (which right now includes studying for a) CLAT b)ISAT c)the constitutional law moot{damn you, kesavananda bharati *shakes fist*} and d) watching over-watched movies ) are nerve-wracking.

I sit alone in class and endure the glares of (most) of my class fellows. Can I help it if I’m naturally curious?

I really really want to study astrophysics.

I had an epiphany today. Imagine an overgrown paddy field (dunno why it’s gotta be paddy). Now imagine a stifling blanket of silence weighing down upon you. It’s so silent you can bet even the BFG wouldn’t hear a thing. Now paint in a colour of your choice (sorry, I think in colours). It could be a curtain of black. A glaring yellow which makes you squint. Or, a red which fills you with fearsome foreboding (notice the alliteration). Anyway, now if you are a sci-fi freak (like me), you would daub in a river or something, but it doesn’t matter. You are in a field, you are alone. The world around you is still. It is silent. Now, the realization dawns upon you that maybe just maybe, you are all alone. That there is no one except you left on this planet.

It is a thought which humbles you and, at the same time fills you with great sadness. For if we are alone, then what have got to live for?

I thought about this in the context of our human existence on Earth with relation to the universe. If we truly are the only living beings in the whole vast void out there then what do our minor triumphs on earth actually accomplish in the greater scheme of things?

Come to think of it, what is philosophy?

“Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing.”
[Yoda- Star Wars]

I feel a migraine coming on.

PS: Title- Read Artemis Fowl.

Iliad

I’m no stranger to heartbreaks.
Hello again.

I’m still running from your memory Julian, and I’m still so scared of what you did to me. What if I made you up? Why, why did I imagine such a future? Repeating, not willing to give up, I’m such an idiot. Since you have left, I’ve been so alone in this tedious town.

I’m terrified of dreaming. What if my dreams wake up and I cease to exist? How can I deal with living, breathing people when I’m afraid of the invisible? It’s much scarier to deal with real people.

Today I saw the sun embracing the moon as we came back to the hostel. If I do bid farewell to this place in April, I shall miss the view the most.

Yesterday I cried in class. It’s been so long since I’ve had to struggle so hard to keep the mask of calm impassivity plastered on my face. And the façade somehow slipped. Yet, when I went for lunch and there were the normal expectations, I was back to acting.

How many roles do you play in life? What if you play a role within a role?

Words have always been my links with the world outside when I felt torn asunder or completely clueless. To cry because there is something you want to do and to cry because you can’t find it or do it. Which is more painful? The only thing I can say is even with all the words I have now, I can’t stop my tears.

It's never too late to realize your dreams. That’s what they all say. But, what if it is for me?


Yet, my favourite quote from my favourite verse remains:

“The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n”

[John Milton- Paradise Lost.]

Of course, as usual, I think too much.

And of course, as usual, I’ll go back to saying “everything's fine" and bottling it up.