Dawn

My resolution for next year-

Is to remember you.

And to forget you.

Oh, and I will be bulletproof (not that that’s happening, but hey I can hope can’t I?)

Every hour tastes of ash and yet I stay. For, tonight nothing matters. We are suspended in a bubble sheltered from the world. No tomorrow. No yesterday. This moment is unique.

Red wings write words I do not understand into the black sky.

Welcome 2011. Goodbye 2010.

Linger

Dark,dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill.
Which I is I?

- Theodore Roethke [In A Dark Time]

Coal Smoke

The moon is beautiful today. As I looked out of the window of the bus, I saw the moonlight glinting off the serene waters of the river. The whole scene had an ethereal quality about it. As the night air washed over me, for a moment I had this feeling that I had visited this scene before in some half- forgotten dream.

Déjà-vu is funny. It doesn’t really matter why, but the vibrations which run down my spine always take me by surprise. I’m rambling again.

Nowadays, I notice a haze over the air late at night. Am I the only one who sees it? As winter becomes deeper and the nights longer, it stands out more.

To describe what I see and smell is like describing a color. What is there to say about red except that it is red? I can describe the sensations it invokes, such as warmth or vibrancy (or alternatively of blood and knives), but if you'd never seen red, no amount of description could bring its picture into your mind. How can I tell you of the sweet smell of the sea air as it engulfs you and overwhelms you with its potency? If you've never smelled it, the words by themselves cannot pervade your consciousness and make you feel.

That’s the most important thing isn’t it? Feeling, I mean … I feel therefore I live, therefore I am. That’s why we do the things we do. That’s why we say the things we say.

People call stars impersonal. Call me fanciful, but I have always felt that the twinkling stars show us that the world weeps and alternatively rejoices over the things we do. Ah the folly of humans!

A thousand books I need to read. The new Cornelia Funke is out. I have to go home and re- read The BFG again. There is this book called “The Knife of Never Letting Go” which I found amazing. I recently got the Sandman series so there’s that. I have to make a list of books I want to buy.

I’m listening to Joplin as I write this. Pink Floyd is lined up next.

My semester results came out today. I sit here trying to face the fact that the ogre will eat me up for breakfast. That’s become a knee-jerk reaction for me now. I pretty much suck at the business subjects. What am I doing here? This isn’t what I wanted or thought I’d do. Please let me get out of here. I can’t play out this farce anymore. It’s killing me.

There was this cultural fest thing for two days. It was weird. As I stood looking at people go berserk on the dance floor (I use the term in the loosest sense), I felt bleak. Why can’t I let go and forget?

I want to drown. To slip into sweet oblivion.

Things have changed in Bombay too. Radhika has shifted.

I don’t keep well these days. I caught a cold and coupled with my migraine I felt like the world was ending.

The good thing about this place is that you can see the stars. Without the cover of smog which obliterates the night sky in the city, there is real pleasure in star-gazing.

Yet I miss the lights, the noises, the hustle and bustle of the city. I miss standing on a beach and letting the sand run through my fingers.

Of all the things that are different now this is the one that saddens me most deeply.

Kites

See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
To them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles.

Immobile

Planets don't have birthdays and neither do aliens- think about it!

And yes, Vi- change is all-pervading. (:-P)

Blink

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here...

[Switchfoot- Dare You To Move]

Yes, I fucked up and yes I’m hiding behind a smokescreen of lies but you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

I just started to read The Handmaid’s Tale.

Why are women treated like rabble? Why for that matter are certain sections of the human populace treated like they aren’t worth anything? Can you help where or when you are born? What made Hitler tick?

Questions make my head whirl. I think I’m crazy, but then almost all the best people are.

Can you help why you are born? I couldn’t. I sure hope fate doesn’t exist.

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

So long, farewell

“Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell.” ~Emily Dickinson

Unspoken

There were so many words I could not say,
When I looked into your eyes,
I wanted to be able to tell you one day,
But I was left speechless every time that I tried

You must have stumbled across the key,
And discovered so much more.
You found a hidden place in me,
You found my heart and opened the door.
And I cried in the pain
Of losing my dear friend.

Will it ever be the same again?
If it passes will it be the end?
I realized it was worth so much,
As I lay in bed that night.
So I allowed my soul to be touched,
Without even putting up a fight.
Are my eyes deceiving me?
When I see you standing there?
Are you playing games?
Just to prove I care?

You used to speak my name in a prelude,
In a reference to love,
With such loving attitude,
As if it were a message from above.
With the palms of your hands
Pressed firmly against mine,
A white dove lands,
And the sun begins to shine.

I’ll stay here and play my part,
But after the beauty starts to die,
Will your footprints still be on this earth?
Though it is so hard to say goodbye,
Your friend I'll always remain,
As long as you are in my heart,
I’ll keep the friendship between you and me.

The letter I wanted to send
Casually inquired,
How could you have brought it to an end?
You were all I ever aspired.
After this life is over,
You’ll be one person I know I'll meet.

It was too late to start over, and so you left me with this...
I'll hold you within me for a lifetime,
If you’d just held my hand,
We could have had a wonderful time,
In the days yet unplanned….

I miss you my friend
Thank you for all you were
All these things I’ve never said
And unspoken forever they shall remain..

Blind

It is winter again. Almost three years have passed since I have visited my city. I have so many people to meet, so many places to visit, so many things to do.

This is the worst and best winter. I have lost a piece of my heart. I have become a façade of turmoil. I like the sound of that last sentence. Outside I smile, I laugh, I chat and then I come up to my room. I stare at the laptop for hours trying to resolve myself to the truth. My fingers move mindlessly over the keyboard. I have flashbacks to everything that I did in the last 15 months or so. Everything I do has a poignant meaning to it. I can’t hold back these tears anymore. I miss my room. I miss shouting myself hoarse. This is the last I shall write about this.

I have become blind again. I have gone back to the fake smiles and the fake fakeness that defined me before.

Flashes of colour pervade my mind.

It’s like the whole world has become a giant kaleidoscope of blurry figures.

Things aren’t that great on the home front either. But then I’m kinda use to that by now.

I want to go to Bombay in the winter holidays. I want to have vada- pav with you in our school canteen Anu. I thank you for finally giving me the courage to talk to you again.

Flashes of red. What does that have to do with anything? I don’t know.

I want to build a space shuttle which is blue. With gray trimmings and purple stars. Why shouldn’t space have a flash of colour too?

I couldn’t sleep yesterday. So today I cut class and had a cold water shower. All that did was chill me to my bones.

I want to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget.
I keep saying that as if it’s a charm that will ward off evil.

My head hurts. A lot.

I did math again yesterday. Its scary how out of touch I have become in 3 months. I will have to slog if I ever want to do what I want to do.

I was out of my mind to come here. I hate this place.

This 26th of November I had an exam. Just like the 26th of November 2008. I can’t think of this anymore.

I am going to have to post this before the net goes off.

Wind Chimes

DEAR ------,
I still love feeling of the wind ruffling my hair.
I still love listening to the sound of the sea in a shell.
I still love cupping my hand and listening to the hollowness within- the way you taught me.
I still listen to The Carpenters and Abba sitting on the terrace.
I still love baking the cake we first made together.
I still haven’t gotten over my anime phase.
I still am scared of ghosts.
I still want to sleep under the moon.
I still re-read the book we read together.
I still am obsessed with symbols.
I still listen to our song again and again.
I still have mood-swings.
I still want to go to the stars and visit you.
I still fall asleep thinking about you.
I still remember looking into your eyes and seeing the endless promises in them.
I still can’t get your voice out of my head.
I still wear the bracelet you gave me.
I still shed countless tears over it.
I still wish I told you everything I wanted to.
I still wish you had listened..
I still am haunted by your memories.

I miss you. Now and forever.

Yours,
Rowanna

P.S.: The heartless wind still keeps blowing and your wind chimes still tinkle, waiting for you to come home.

Insomnia

I couldn’t sleep yesterday at night. It’s the fifth in a series of sleepless nights. I keep having this feeling that if I doze off I will not be able to wake up. I feel like I’m drowning and the vast, endless sea surrounds me in a blanket of darkness.

I don’t know which I prefer more- the sea or the mountains. When I was in Bombay I loved the hills. Maybe it’s got something to do with the people I hung out with then. We used to go on trips and it was so much fun. I wanted to live in the hills- a shepherd or a goatherd. But lately I prefer the sea. I love swimming. I miss my pool. I like the way the ocean is always restless, like it has so much to do. There is a Greek myth that everything you lose someday turns up in the River Styx.

I love Greek mythology maybe even more than the architecture of that period. What I like the most is that the Greeks didn’t actually fool themselves into believing that there was a God. Yes there were beings with supernatural powers that they worshipped, but they weren’t perfect. Like duh! As if having powers would make you exercise self restraint. If I could have even a little bit of power, I would probably strike and smite half the world.

I think my favourite goddess is Artemis. The Goddess of the Hunt. I love the fact that she is Apollo’s sister yet she isn’t cowed down by that. Come on, being the Sun God’s sister has got to put pressure on you- expectations are bound to rise. She however doesn’t give a damn and just goes ahead and does her own thing.

I think the whole Zeus-Hades rivalry thing is kinda over-rated. I mean the guy has a Helm of Invisibility for Pete’s sake. What can the almighty thunderbolt do against that?

I really liked the Percy Jackson series. Which of course, brings me to Poseidon. He takes my breath away. I can’t stop thinking about how cool it would be if you could command the sea. Think about living in an underground palace of sea-shells. Think about being able to do just whatever you wanted to.

I want to scuba dive again. I loved the coral reefs of Fiji. I want to visit Greece. Athens. Maybe even see the oracle if possible.

I want to sleep properly. I think I shall start taking the sleeping pills again. Though after the accident a few years back, I haven’t been able to trust myself with them. I want to smoke. Nicotine is the next best substitute. I have a seriously fucked up metabolic system.

I just coughed up blood again. What is wrong with me? Can I exchange my body for a cat’s? I want night vision goggles. I want to be a super spy. I want to be Poseidon. I want to be the moon- goddess. I am sleep- deprived.

I just finished reading this amazing book called Cold Earth. It’s about archeologists in Greenland. I always wanted to be an archeologist. This was even before I had seen the Mummy series. I loved the cartoons more than the movies.

I want to live in Japan. I love orchids. I love their festivals. I love their shrines. I love their poetry.

How did I just go from Greece to Japan? My laptop is out of charge. I need to earn again. I want to be independent. I want to fly.

The moon is obscured by clouds of smoke in this city. Diwali has come early to Kolkata. I miss the Mahanadi and the reflection of the moon on its serene waters.

After I die, I want to be put on a barge and left in the hands of the ocean. I always did like the Lady Of Shallot.

Please let me sleep today. My nerves are frayed. I don’t want to snap.

I am going to go and read a book now. I wonder what new world I will be led into this time. Do you have any idea?

White Noise

Have you ever plugged in your earphones and turned the volume up so high that you drowned your thoughts? Have you ever banged your head against the wall so hard that blood poured down your face in the faint hope that the stupid ideas would just shut up and go away? Have you ever shut yourself up in your room and screamed out so loud that you were hoarse for a week afterwards?

Lately, static has been my savior. I seem to think better with the buzz of white noise in my ears. It soothes me. Why is it called white noise do you think? How can a noise be called a colour? Isn’t that a paradox in itself? I like to think I like the colour black. But of late I seem to be more inclined toward white. Yin and Yang. Chinese signs have always intrigued me. I love reading the tarot. I might not believe in it but the symbols in it are mind-boggling. There was this amazing series on Animax once called Vision Of Escaflowne. I used to wait all week for the next episode. I got beaten up because I was caught sneaking off to the TV room. I loved that anime. It was what got me interested in tarot.

I want to live a life of an anime character. I wouldn’t even mind being trapped in a game forever. Dot Hack Sign was just heaven. But come to think of it maybe I am trapped in a game. Maybe this is all a huge chessboard being run by beings more evolved than us. Maybe a more evolved version of ourselves is controlling us right now. I don’t want to believe in fate. It would make me, my life, my very existence pointless if everything were pre-determined. I think I tend to get too influenced by what I read. (I am assuming of course that you have read the Simoquin Prophecies and Sophie’s World). Yet isn’t that what great literature is supposed to do? Inspire you I mean.

There is so much in my head that wants to get out right now. My fingers are flying over the keyboard and yet the thoughts keep pounding on my skull demanding to be let out. Why do we let ourselves be chained by the mere shortcomings of a physical existence?

I love the snow. What I remember most about it was making snow-angels. I never made a snow-man though. I wonder why. I remember this once time I got lost in a blizzard. It was a mild one but I was terrified. I kept calling for help and no one came. Then the storm subsided and I was dazzled by the glaring brilliance of the white field. It was so silent. I was humbled at that moment- well as humbled as a child of five can be.

I am going home tomorrow. I do not know how to react to this. I can just say it to myself a hundred times. I don’t have a home anymore. When will that sink in?

Yin and Yang. My mind still comes back to that. Black and white. Sorrow and happiness. Real and fake. Do I write from my heart? I don’t know. I just write what comes to my head.

Please let Vienna be happy. Please let everything work out.

I am sitting in my hostel room right now. Myth is frowning into her laptop. The Disco is giving her problems. Vinu is happy because she got The Joker as her Batman character. Mimic is sleeping. She looks adorable when she is dreaming. This is her laptop. I left my adaptor in the library today.

I should go now. I need to pack.

I like writing here. Oh hey even Myth got Joker. Anyway I think I should start reading more. I want my telescope back. The stars are beautiful tonight. Maybe the cheese in the moon really is delicious. I want to try it. Will that be possible do you think?

Random Squiggles

I feel disoriented. My head spins whenever I get up. It's funny how life can take weird turns somehow. There I was envisaging a life of fairytales and now all I'm left with is over-powering nostalgia. I don't mean this to be one of those scary, emo posts which make you want to puke but today left me contemplating. Have you ever thought about the vastness of the universe and how insignificant we are? I feel so lonely sometimes.


It is beautiful outside today. I feel like taking a walk. I feel like flying unrestrained. I feel like leaving my body for some time and just letting the sheer exhilaration of weightlessness flow through me. Sigh. If only my imagination was wired to hell. Not that I believe in an afterlife anyway. Just that wouldn’t it be amazing if you had the power to call up the might and majesty of Hades whenever you needed? There goes my train of thought again.


I think this place is driving me mad and keeping me too busy to think about losing my mind. I am gradually losing threads of my consciousness to the vast outside. I feel claustrophobic here. Which is funny because earlier I was an agoraphobic…can a person change so easily? I want to run away. I want to own a book shop. I want to write something that will make a difference to others. I want to explore the universe. I know there is life out there somewhere. Maybe a better life than I have here.



I have made mistakes in my life. Yet I don’t feel any shame and I definitely will not apologize. Its funny how being different can single you out. I always thought I was a rebel. Yet this place has taught me that maybe conforming isn’t so bad. It lets you out of uncomfortable situations anyway. But I am not going to lose myself in this crowd of sheep. Yes, I know I am making no sense but well…that’s normal for me.


I can’t get a certain book out of my head these days -The Fire-Eaters by David Almond. Have you read it? It changed my life that book. Yet what was in it that touched me so deeply?


I try to remember to have my medicines everyday. And everyday I forget. Is that normal? Maybe the medicines are actually poisoned apples. But then, who would want to poison me? I am neither the fairest in the world nor am I a princess. That kind of sucks but then not being a princess lets me be so many other things. I think royalty is over-rated anyway. Not that I would mind living in a palace but who would want that kind of life?


I think about breaking my ties with everyone and just quietly disappearing. Maybe I should just build a time-machine. How difficult can it be? Yet, the unknown is scary. Here I have three people who care. Who scold, cajole and comfort me. They are nice. I hope they are happy in their lives. They deserve so much more than what they are getting right now. Then there is that other person. He confuses me nowadays. It’s like I am his anchor and that scares me. I am too inclined to fly away to be anyone’s anchor. Yet for him, I have settled down a lot. I have tried to stop smoking. It’s not helping my already shitty life here. Yet we constantly fight. I hurt him and he hurts me back. Then I have a double dose of pain to deal with. I hope things work out between us.


I am going to give everyone I talk about here a code name. It’s more fun that way.


I have to submit a project the day after. I need proper attendance. If the troll or the wicked witch find out then they will eat me up for breakfast. I know they will find out. I don’t want to go home. Anyway enough of the whining. Maybe ignorance is really bliss but right now it just qualifies as my best friend. I lost my train of thought again. Ok, I should shut up and go do my project now. Before that I just want to say hello to you and welcome you to my world. And now- Bye. I think being abrupt is easier than being a hypocritical asshole.