Linger

Dark,dark my light, and darker my desire.
My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly,
Keeps buzzing at the sill.
Which I is I?

- Theodore Roethke [In A Dark Time]

Coal Smoke

The moon is beautiful today. As I looked out of the window of the bus, I saw the moonlight glinting off the serene waters of the river. The whole scene had an ethereal quality about it. As the night air washed over me, for a moment I had this feeling that I had visited this scene before in some half- forgotten dream.

Déjà-vu is funny. It doesn’t really matter why, but the vibrations which run down my spine always take me by surprise. I’m rambling again.

Nowadays, I notice a haze over the air late at night. Am I the only one who sees it? As winter becomes deeper and the nights longer, it stands out more.

To describe what I see and smell is like describing a color. What is there to say about red except that it is red? I can describe the sensations it invokes, such as warmth or vibrancy (or alternatively of blood and knives), but if you'd never seen red, no amount of description could bring its picture into your mind. How can I tell you of the sweet smell of the sea air as it engulfs you and overwhelms you with its potency? If you've never smelled it, the words by themselves cannot pervade your consciousness and make you feel.

That’s the most important thing isn’t it? Feeling, I mean … I feel therefore I live, therefore I am. That’s why we do the things we do. That’s why we say the things we say.

People call stars impersonal. Call me fanciful, but I have always felt that the twinkling stars show us that the world weeps and alternatively rejoices over the things we do. Ah the folly of humans!

A thousand books I need to read. The new Cornelia Funke is out. I have to go home and re- read The BFG again. There is this book called “The Knife of Never Letting Go” which I found amazing. I recently got the Sandman series so there’s that. I have to make a list of books I want to buy.

I’m listening to Joplin as I write this. Pink Floyd is lined up next.

My semester results came out today. I sit here trying to face the fact that the ogre will eat me up for breakfast. That’s become a knee-jerk reaction for me now. I pretty much suck at the business subjects. What am I doing here? This isn’t what I wanted or thought I’d do. Please let me get out of here. I can’t play out this farce anymore. It’s killing me.

There was this cultural fest thing for two days. It was weird. As I stood looking at people go berserk on the dance floor (I use the term in the loosest sense), I felt bleak. Why can’t I let go and forget?

I want to drown. To slip into sweet oblivion.

Things have changed in Bombay too. Radhika has shifted.

I don’t keep well these days. I caught a cold and coupled with my migraine I felt like the world was ending.

The good thing about this place is that you can see the stars. Without the cover of smog which obliterates the night sky in the city, there is real pleasure in star-gazing.

Yet I miss the lights, the noises, the hustle and bustle of the city. I miss standing on a beach and letting the sand run through my fingers.

Of all the things that are different now this is the one that saddens me most deeply.

Kites

See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
To them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles.