Insomnia

I couldn’t sleep yesterday at night. It’s the fifth in a series of sleepless nights. I keep having this feeling that if I doze off I will not be able to wake up. I feel like I’m drowning and the vast, endless sea surrounds me in a blanket of darkness.

I don’t know which I prefer more- the sea or the mountains. When I was in Bombay I loved the hills. Maybe it’s got something to do with the people I hung out with then. We used to go on trips and it was so much fun. I wanted to live in the hills- a shepherd or a goatherd. But lately I prefer the sea. I love swimming. I miss my pool. I like the way the ocean is always restless, like it has so much to do. There is a Greek myth that everything you lose someday turns up in the River Styx.

I love Greek mythology maybe even more than the architecture of that period. What I like the most is that the Greeks didn’t actually fool themselves into believing that there was a God. Yes there were beings with supernatural powers that they worshipped, but they weren’t perfect. Like duh! As if having powers would make you exercise self restraint. If I could have even a little bit of power, I would probably strike and smite half the world.

I think my favourite goddess is Artemis. The Goddess of the Hunt. I love the fact that she is Apollo’s sister yet she isn’t cowed down by that. Come on, being the Sun God’s sister has got to put pressure on you- expectations are bound to rise. She however doesn’t give a damn and just goes ahead and does her own thing.

I think the whole Zeus-Hades rivalry thing is kinda over-rated. I mean the guy has a Helm of Invisibility for Pete’s sake. What can the almighty thunderbolt do against that?

I really liked the Percy Jackson series. Which of course, brings me to Poseidon. He takes my breath away. I can’t stop thinking about how cool it would be if you could command the sea. Think about living in an underground palace of sea-shells. Think about being able to do just whatever you wanted to.

I want to scuba dive again. I loved the coral reefs of Fiji. I want to visit Greece. Athens. Maybe even see the oracle if possible.

I want to sleep properly. I think I shall start taking the sleeping pills again. Though after the accident a few years back, I haven’t been able to trust myself with them. I want to smoke. Nicotine is the next best substitute. I have a seriously fucked up metabolic system.

I just coughed up blood again. What is wrong with me? Can I exchange my body for a cat’s? I want night vision goggles. I want to be a super spy. I want to be Poseidon. I want to be the moon- goddess. I am sleep- deprived.

I just finished reading this amazing book called Cold Earth. It’s about archeologists in Greenland. I always wanted to be an archeologist. This was even before I had seen the Mummy series. I loved the cartoons more than the movies.

I want to live in Japan. I love orchids. I love their festivals. I love their shrines. I love their poetry.

How did I just go from Greece to Japan? My laptop is out of charge. I need to earn again. I want to be independent. I want to fly.

The moon is obscured by clouds of smoke in this city. Diwali has come early to Kolkata. I miss the Mahanadi and the reflection of the moon on its serene waters.

After I die, I want to be put on a barge and left in the hands of the ocean. I always did like the Lady Of Shallot.

Please let me sleep today. My nerves are frayed. I don’t want to snap.

I am going to go and read a book now. I wonder what new world I will be led into this time. Do you have any idea?

White Noise

Have you ever plugged in your earphones and turned the volume up so high that you drowned your thoughts? Have you ever banged your head against the wall so hard that blood poured down your face in the faint hope that the stupid ideas would just shut up and go away? Have you ever shut yourself up in your room and screamed out so loud that you were hoarse for a week afterwards?

Lately, static has been my savior. I seem to think better with the buzz of white noise in my ears. It soothes me. Why is it called white noise do you think? How can a noise be called a colour? Isn’t that a paradox in itself? I like to think I like the colour black. But of late I seem to be more inclined toward white. Yin and Yang. Chinese signs have always intrigued me. I love reading the tarot. I might not believe in it but the symbols in it are mind-boggling. There was this amazing series on Animax once called Vision Of Escaflowne. I used to wait all week for the next episode. I got beaten up because I was caught sneaking off to the TV room. I loved that anime. It was what got me interested in tarot.

I want to live a life of an anime character. I wouldn’t even mind being trapped in a game forever. Dot Hack Sign was just heaven. But come to think of it maybe I am trapped in a game. Maybe this is all a huge chessboard being run by beings more evolved than us. Maybe a more evolved version of ourselves is controlling us right now. I don’t want to believe in fate. It would make me, my life, my very existence pointless if everything were pre-determined. I think I tend to get too influenced by what I read. (I am assuming of course that you have read the Simoquin Prophecies and Sophie’s World). Yet isn’t that what great literature is supposed to do? Inspire you I mean.

There is so much in my head that wants to get out right now. My fingers are flying over the keyboard and yet the thoughts keep pounding on my skull demanding to be let out. Why do we let ourselves be chained by the mere shortcomings of a physical existence?

I love the snow. What I remember most about it was making snow-angels. I never made a snow-man though. I wonder why. I remember this once time I got lost in a blizzard. It was a mild one but I was terrified. I kept calling for help and no one came. Then the storm subsided and I was dazzled by the glaring brilliance of the white field. It was so silent. I was humbled at that moment- well as humbled as a child of five can be.

I am going home tomorrow. I do not know how to react to this. I can just say it to myself a hundred times. I don’t have a home anymore. When will that sink in?

Yin and Yang. My mind still comes back to that. Black and white. Sorrow and happiness. Real and fake. Do I write from my heart? I don’t know. I just write what comes to my head.

Please let Vienna be happy. Please let everything work out.

I am sitting in my hostel room right now. Myth is frowning into her laptop. The Disco is giving her problems. Vinu is happy because she got The Joker as her Batman character. Mimic is sleeping. She looks adorable when she is dreaming. This is her laptop. I left my adaptor in the library today.

I should go now. I need to pack.

I like writing here. Oh hey even Myth got Joker. Anyway I think I should start reading more. I want my telescope back. The stars are beautiful tonight. Maybe the cheese in the moon really is delicious. I want to try it. Will that be possible do you think?

Random Squiggles

I feel disoriented. My head spins whenever I get up. It's funny how life can take weird turns somehow. There I was envisaging a life of fairytales and now all I'm left with is over-powering nostalgia. I don't mean this to be one of those scary, emo posts which make you want to puke but today left me contemplating. Have you ever thought about the vastness of the universe and how insignificant we are? I feel so lonely sometimes.


It is beautiful outside today. I feel like taking a walk. I feel like flying unrestrained. I feel like leaving my body for some time and just letting the sheer exhilaration of weightlessness flow through me. Sigh. If only my imagination was wired to hell. Not that I believe in an afterlife anyway. Just that wouldn’t it be amazing if you had the power to call up the might and majesty of Hades whenever you needed? There goes my train of thought again.


I think this place is driving me mad and keeping me too busy to think about losing my mind. I am gradually losing threads of my consciousness to the vast outside. I feel claustrophobic here. Which is funny because earlier I was an agoraphobic…can a person change so easily? I want to run away. I want to own a book shop. I want to write something that will make a difference to others. I want to explore the universe. I know there is life out there somewhere. Maybe a better life than I have here.



I have made mistakes in my life. Yet I don’t feel any shame and I definitely will not apologize. Its funny how being different can single you out. I always thought I was a rebel. Yet this place has taught me that maybe conforming isn’t so bad. It lets you out of uncomfortable situations anyway. But I am not going to lose myself in this crowd of sheep. Yes, I know I am making no sense but well…that’s normal for me.


I can’t get a certain book out of my head these days -The Fire-Eaters by David Almond. Have you read it? It changed my life that book. Yet what was in it that touched me so deeply?


I try to remember to have my medicines everyday. And everyday I forget. Is that normal? Maybe the medicines are actually poisoned apples. But then, who would want to poison me? I am neither the fairest in the world nor am I a princess. That kind of sucks but then not being a princess lets me be so many other things. I think royalty is over-rated anyway. Not that I would mind living in a palace but who would want that kind of life?


I think about breaking my ties with everyone and just quietly disappearing. Maybe I should just build a time-machine. How difficult can it be? Yet, the unknown is scary. Here I have three people who care. Who scold, cajole and comfort me. They are nice. I hope they are happy in their lives. They deserve so much more than what they are getting right now. Then there is that other person. He confuses me nowadays. It’s like I am his anchor and that scares me. I am too inclined to fly away to be anyone’s anchor. Yet for him, I have settled down a lot. I have tried to stop smoking. It’s not helping my already shitty life here. Yet we constantly fight. I hurt him and he hurts me back. Then I have a double dose of pain to deal with. I hope things work out between us.


I am going to give everyone I talk about here a code name. It’s more fun that way.


I have to submit a project the day after. I need proper attendance. If the troll or the wicked witch find out then they will eat me up for breakfast. I know they will find out. I don’t want to go home. Anyway enough of the whining. Maybe ignorance is really bliss but right now it just qualifies as my best friend. I lost my train of thought again. Ok, I should shut up and go do my project now. Before that I just want to say hello to you and welcome you to my world. And now- Bye. I think being abrupt is easier than being a hypocritical asshole.