White Noise

Have you ever plugged in your earphones and turned the volume up so high that you drowned your thoughts? Have you ever banged your head against the wall so hard that blood poured down your face in the faint hope that the stupid ideas would just shut up and go away? Have you ever shut yourself up in your room and screamed out so loud that you were hoarse for a week afterwards?

Lately, static has been my savior. I seem to think better with the buzz of white noise in my ears. It soothes me. Why is it called white noise do you think? How can a noise be called a colour? Isn’t that a paradox in itself? I like to think I like the colour black. But of late I seem to be more inclined toward white. Yin and Yang. Chinese signs have always intrigued me. I love reading the tarot. I might not believe in it but the symbols in it are mind-boggling. There was this amazing series on Animax once called Vision Of Escaflowne. I used to wait all week for the next episode. I got beaten up because I was caught sneaking off to the TV room. I loved that anime. It was what got me interested in tarot.

I want to live a life of an anime character. I wouldn’t even mind being trapped in a game forever. Dot Hack Sign was just heaven. But come to think of it maybe I am trapped in a game. Maybe this is all a huge chessboard being run by beings more evolved than us. Maybe a more evolved version of ourselves is controlling us right now. I don’t want to believe in fate. It would make me, my life, my very existence pointless if everything were pre-determined. I think I tend to get too influenced by what I read. (I am assuming of course that you have read the Simoquin Prophecies and Sophie’s World). Yet isn’t that what great literature is supposed to do? Inspire you I mean.

There is so much in my head that wants to get out right now. My fingers are flying over the keyboard and yet the thoughts keep pounding on my skull demanding to be let out. Why do we let ourselves be chained by the mere shortcomings of a physical existence?

I love the snow. What I remember most about it was making snow-angels. I never made a snow-man though. I wonder why. I remember this once time I got lost in a blizzard. It was a mild one but I was terrified. I kept calling for help and no one came. Then the storm subsided and I was dazzled by the glaring brilliance of the white field. It was so silent. I was humbled at that moment- well as humbled as a child of five can be.

I am going home tomorrow. I do not know how to react to this. I can just say it to myself a hundred times. I don’t have a home anymore. When will that sink in?

Yin and Yang. My mind still comes back to that. Black and white. Sorrow and happiness. Real and fake. Do I write from my heart? I don’t know. I just write what comes to my head.

Please let Vienna be happy. Please let everything work out.

I am sitting in my hostel room right now. Myth is frowning into her laptop. The Disco is giving her problems. Vinu is happy because she got The Joker as her Batman character. Mimic is sleeping. She looks adorable when she is dreaming. This is her laptop. I left my adaptor in the library today.

I should go now. I need to pack.

I like writing here. Oh hey even Myth got Joker. Anyway I think I should start reading more. I want my telescope back. The stars are beautiful tonight. Maybe the cheese in the moon really is delicious. I want to try it. Will that be possible do you think?