Insomnia

I couldn’t sleep yesterday at night. It’s the fifth in a series of sleepless nights. I keep having this feeling that if I doze off I will not be able to wake up. I feel like I’m drowning and the vast, endless sea surrounds me in a blanket of darkness.

I don’t know which I prefer more- the sea or the mountains. When I was in Bombay I loved the hills. Maybe it’s got something to do with the people I hung out with then. We used to go on trips and it was so much fun. I wanted to live in the hills- a shepherd or a goatherd. But lately I prefer the sea. I love swimming. I miss my pool. I like the way the ocean is always restless, like it has so much to do. There is a Greek myth that everything you lose someday turns up in the River Styx.

I love Greek mythology maybe even more than the architecture of that period. What I like the most is that the Greeks didn’t actually fool themselves into believing that there was a God. Yes there were beings with supernatural powers that they worshipped, but they weren’t perfect. Like duh! As if having powers would make you exercise self restraint. If I could have even a little bit of power, I would probably strike and smite half the world.

I think my favourite goddess is Artemis. The Goddess of the Hunt. I love the fact that she is Apollo’s sister yet she isn’t cowed down by that. Come on, being the Sun God’s sister has got to put pressure on you- expectations are bound to rise. She however doesn’t give a damn and just goes ahead and does her own thing.

I think the whole Zeus-Hades rivalry thing is kinda over-rated. I mean the guy has a Helm of Invisibility for Pete’s sake. What can the almighty thunderbolt do against that?

I really liked the Percy Jackson series. Which of course, brings me to Poseidon. He takes my breath away. I can’t stop thinking about how cool it would be if you could command the sea. Think about living in an underground palace of sea-shells. Think about being able to do just whatever you wanted to.

I want to scuba dive again. I loved the coral reefs of Fiji. I want to visit Greece. Athens. Maybe even see the oracle if possible.

I want to sleep properly. I think I shall start taking the sleeping pills again. Though after the accident a few years back, I haven’t been able to trust myself with them. I want to smoke. Nicotine is the next best substitute. I have a seriously fucked up metabolic system.

I just coughed up blood again. What is wrong with me? Can I exchange my body for a cat’s? I want night vision goggles. I want to be a super spy. I want to be Poseidon. I want to be the moon- goddess. I am sleep- deprived.

I just finished reading this amazing book called Cold Earth. It’s about archeologists in Greenland. I always wanted to be an archeologist. This was even before I had seen the Mummy series. I loved the cartoons more than the movies.

I want to live in Japan. I love orchids. I love their festivals. I love their shrines. I love their poetry.

How did I just go from Greece to Japan? My laptop is out of charge. I need to earn again. I want to be independent. I want to fly.

The moon is obscured by clouds of smoke in this city. Diwali has come early to Kolkata. I miss the Mahanadi and the reflection of the moon on its serene waters.

After I die, I want to be put on a barge and left in the hands of the ocean. I always did like the Lady Of Shallot.

Please let me sleep today. My nerves are frayed. I don’t want to snap.

I am going to go and read a book now. I wonder what new world I will be led into this time. Do you have any idea?