Blind

It is winter again. Almost three years have passed since I have visited my city. I have so many people to meet, so many places to visit, so many things to do.

This is the worst and best winter. I have lost a piece of my heart. I have become a façade of turmoil. I like the sound of that last sentence. Outside I smile, I laugh, I chat and then I come up to my room. I stare at the laptop for hours trying to resolve myself to the truth. My fingers move mindlessly over the keyboard. I have flashbacks to everything that I did in the last 15 months or so. Everything I do has a poignant meaning to it. I can’t hold back these tears anymore. I miss my room. I miss shouting myself hoarse. This is the last I shall write about this.

I have become blind again. I have gone back to the fake smiles and the fake fakeness that defined me before.

Flashes of colour pervade my mind.

It’s like the whole world has become a giant kaleidoscope of blurry figures.

Things aren’t that great on the home front either. But then I’m kinda use to that by now.

I want to go to Bombay in the winter holidays. I want to have vada- pav with you in our school canteen Anu. I thank you for finally giving me the courage to talk to you again.

Flashes of red. What does that have to do with anything? I don’t know.

I want to build a space shuttle which is blue. With gray trimmings and purple stars. Why shouldn’t space have a flash of colour too?

I couldn’t sleep yesterday. So today I cut class and had a cold water shower. All that did was chill me to my bones.

I want to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget.
I keep saying that as if it’s a charm that will ward off evil.

My head hurts. A lot.

I did math again yesterday. Its scary how out of touch I have become in 3 months. I will have to slog if I ever want to do what I want to do.

I was out of my mind to come here. I hate this place.

This 26th of November I had an exam. Just like the 26th of November 2008. I can’t think of this anymore.

I am going to have to post this before the net goes off.